Quicks Cuts: TURKEY DAY IN AUGUST
QUICK CUTS: TURKEY DAY IN AUGUST
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Paul McMahon, and Mark Onspaugh
MICHAEL ARRUDA: It’s August, the month where Hollywood studios seem to release their bottom- of- the- barrel material – unwanted horror movies, action flicks, and comedies, movies they wouldn’t dare release any other time.
In short, it’s Turkey Day in August, time for the movie turkeys to be released.
It’s also time for us to have some fun at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT.
On today’s QUICK CUTS, we ask our panel, if you could come up with your own August Movie Turkey, what would it be?
Would it be PIRANHA MEETS SUPER CROC? A reboot of MAGNUM P.I. starring Steve Martin? Will Ferrell in a musical? G.I. JOE MEETS THE EXPENDABLES?
What’ll it be?
PAUL MCMAHON: I came up with three.
PUMP UP THE MUZAK: THE RETURN OF MARK HUNTER
Mark Hunter (Christian Slater) is released from political prison, an older man with little education and no money. He finds shelter in a halfway house and is encouraged by his probation officer Paige MacPhereson to finish his GED and apply to communications school.
The management of the halfway house changes hands and Mark again finds himself under the sadistic hand of Ms. Loretta Creswood (Annie Ross). His locks himself in the office only to discover the only music at hand is elevator musak renditions of the best songs from his favorite punk bands.
HALLOWEEN III: PART II
Dr. Challis (Tom Atkins) is an old man now, hiding where he can in a country overrun with insects and androids. Every TV and radio station broadcasts a looping call from Conal Cochran (a computer-generated holographic and CGI reproduction of the late Dan O’Herlihy) to Dr. Challis to surrender.
The story takes place in a very “I Am Legend” fashion, with Dr. Challis breaking into laboratories in schools and government facilities, trying to invent a machine that will release a sonic pulse and neutralize any android within a hundred feet of him. Even if he succeeds, he’ll have to deal with the swarms of insects and snakes and scorpions that continue to chase him and are growing in size with every generation.
THE LITTLE LEBOWSKI
Jeff Bridges and John Goodman return in this laugh-a-minute sequel to THE BIG LEBOWSKI. Dude is forced to team with Jesus Quintana when Walter is suspended from league play. In the middle of a competition, a young boy (Justin Bieber) barges into the bowling alley and calls Dude “Daddy.” Dude has more than he can deal with as Jesus offers “Little Dude” the chance to touch his hair net.
The next day, Jeffery Lebowski (a returning David Huddleston) contacts Dude to say his grandson has been kidnapped by “Pornographers.” He insists Brandt (this time played by Seth Rogan) travel with Dude and Walter as they investigate the case. The first thing they learn is that Jackie Treehorn has died and willed his empire to his son JayJay (Will Ferrell). JayJay still wants the money owed to his Dad by Bunny Lebowski in the first movie, and he doesn’t believe for a minute Dude is not the one who owes him.
Follow the Dude as he dodges police, gets high, collects clues, bowls, argues with Walter and drinks more than his share of Caucasians… all the while trying to keep Jesus Quintana from molesting his son and trying to determine why no one will discuss the whereabouts of the boy’s Mother, Maude Lebowski.
(Note: Sam Elliot wouldn’t reprise his role, so this time The Stranger will be played by Ted Danson. “Some days you eat the bar….)
DARK SHADOWS OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
Tim Burton mashes together two of his worst films to give us perhaps the worst movie of all time. Johnny Depp, as an extremely prissy Barnabas Collins, takes a rocketship to the future, where he teams up with astronaut Mark Walhberg to take on a planet of humanoid apes! This time the ending is an even bigger shocker – the Lincoln Memorial reveals that ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS A VAMPIRE HUNTER and we later learn that George Washington was an Ape!!
With a special appearance by Helena Bonham Carter as an ape Helen Keller!
SUPER BALLISTIC: FREDDY VS. JASON VS. ECKS VS. SEVER
Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu are assassins. Freddy and Jason are monster serial killers. Everyone is so confused they don’t know what to do or who to kill, so the movie ends with a big Bollywood-inspired dance number. Directed by Uwe Boll.
BATMAN: YOU’RE SO SWEET!
Finally, a Batman movie to make you smile!
George Clooney returns as the Batman with nipples on his costume, but this time he takes on the Candyman, played by Corey Feldman in a costume made of black liquorice! At first they fight, but then they fall in love, dancing through forests full of lollipop trees and chocolate rivers.
Warning: if your’e diabetic, don’t attend this one, you might go into sugar shock.
Warning # 2: Everyone sitting in the first five rows will get splashed with cherry –flavored Kool Ade.
Directed (of course) by Joel Shumacher.
THE DARKEST KNIGHT, EVER
Hoping to cash in on Dark Knight fever, cut-rate producer and schlockmeister Samuel L. Bronkowitz commissioned James Ellroy to write a Batman adventure that was gritty and excessively violent and bleak. However, Bronkowitz’s wife won the script in a divorce settlement, and had her lover Gilbert Gottfried “punch up the script” with jokes. Then it was sent to her cousin, director Ewe Boll, who decided to make the whole thing a musical with songs by two extras from Glee.
The original title was BAT-MANNY the MUSICAL, and stars Tom Arnold
as Manny Abramowitz, a vigilante who works out of a deli in Gotham City’s Crime Alley. Manny meets a clubfoot, hunchbacked shoeshine boy (played by Pauly Shore), who becomes his sidekick Hobblin’ the Oy! Wonder.
The whole thing is loathsome in its bloodletting and depictions of deviance, and none of the jokes are funny, since Arnold and Shore ad-libbed much of the dialog.
Songs include “Whenever There’s a Murder or Rape, I Just Grab My Cowl and My Cape”, “Do These Tights Make Me Look Fat” and “Oy, a Cave is No Place for Love.” With the forgettable villains Ice-Maker (Dolph Lundgren), the Piddler (a Czech extra who doesn’t speak English) and Pussyfoot (Joan Rivers).
Filmed in the Czech Republic and Barstow, played for one week then closed due to court injunctions. A sequel is planned.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Here are my three:
-Sequel to M. Night Shyamalan’s THE HAPPENING called IT’S STILL HAPPENING. Mark Wahlberg returns.
-Yet another haunted house movie, this one called THE HOUSE IN BETWEEN TWO OTHER HOUSES, about a happy young couple who move into their dream house only to find it’s haunted by a demon. The gimmick here is that it’s taken from footage from the peeping tom neighbor who lives in the house on one side of them and films everything his neighbors do, and from footage taken by the pesky teenager who lives in the house on the other side of them, who’s filming the peeping tom neighbor in action filming everything his neighbors do.
-Tim Burton tackles GILLIGAN’S ISLAND, starring as Andrew Garfield as Gilligan, Will Ferrell as the Skipper, Woody Harrelson as Mr. Howell, Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs. Howell, Emma Stone as Ginger, Ashley Greene as Mary Anne, and Johnny Depp as the Professor.
And that’s it for this week’s QUICK CUTS. Thankfully, September is right around the corner, with better movies ahead.
Thanks for joining us, everybody!