Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for March 2013
CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
(The Scene: The magical land of Oz, outside the Emerald City to be exact. Munchkins are dancing and singing, good witches are flying about singing cheerful songs, and MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES stroll down the yellow brick road.)
L.L SOARES: Being here brings back so many memories.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Like the day you met your cousins, the flying monkeys?
LS: That was a special day. Teaching them how to be scary, and how to beat tin men over the head with clubs. Ah, memories! But I was actually talking about watching THE WIZARD OF OZ as a kid. Back in the days before videotape, it only played once on TV every year, and was a really big deal.
MA: I’ve never liked THE WIZARD OF OZ.
LS: What? Was it too scary for you?
MA: I used to find it depressing. I enjoyed Hammer Films much better.
GOOD WITCH: Welcome, Cinema Knife Fighters! Are you here to review OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL?
LS: Not yet. We’re here today for our MARCH COMING ATTRACTIONS column.
MA: That column where we announce which movies we’ll be reviewing in the coming month, and we’re here in Oz, because OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL is probably the month’s biggest movie.
LS: But it doesn’t open until March 8, and so we have some other films to discuss first.
GOOD WITCH: Carry on.
MA: First up in March, we’ll be bringing you reviews of two movies. I’ll be reviewing JACK THE GIANT SLAYER (2013), and L.L. will be reviewing THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2 (2013). Both these films open on March 1.
While no fan of the recent rage of fantasy fairy tale movies aimed at adults, films like HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013) and SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (2012), based on the trailers, I don’t think JACK THE GIANT SLAYER looks half bad.
LS: I think you’ve been eating too many magic beans!
MA: It looks like it might be taken seriously enough to be a successful movie. I know the CGI effects in the previews look pretty good, and the giants look formidable. Sure, it’ll probably be stupid, but I’m hoping it might have an edge to it, something along the lines of the movies Terry Gilliam used to make.
LS: You said the CGI effects look good and the giants look formidable? I’m not sure we saw the same trailer. The giants I saw looked pretty damn hokey. Incredibly fake-looking giants don’t tempt me to see this movie much.
MA: Nicholas Hoult is playing Jack, and we just saw Hoult in WARM BODIES (2013). As much as I didn’t really like that movie, Hoult wasn’t bad in it, so hopefully he’ll be decent as Jack.
LS: Another reason I’m glad I’m not seeing it.
MA: The cast also includes Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, and Ian McShane, so there’s some pretty good talent involved here.
It’s directed by Bryan Singer, who directed X-MEN (2000) and X2 (2003) and SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006), a film you liked more than I did, but again, there’s talent involved in this movie, so it just might be good.
LS: I like Singer, but nothing about the trailers for this one makes me want to see it. Then again, the trailer for THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2 looks like it could be awful, too. This movie really didn’t need a sequel, but the reason why the first movie was so good was because the lead guy, the exorcist Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian), made the story compelling. It looks like he’s not even in this second movie. So I don’t have high hopes for it. It just looks like the usual exorcism shenanigans.
I doubt either one of us will see something great, but at least we’ll get two solo reviews out of it.
MA: Yeah, THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2 looks like one of those movies that has no business being made. Now, I liked the first movie a lot, but, like you said, the main reason for liking that one was the main character, the preacher Cotton Marcus, but this second movie isn’t about him, it’s about the young girl from the first movie, Nell (Ashley Bell) and her story just isn’t as interesting.
Plus the trailer for this one makes it look really silly.
LS: On March 8 it’s the big release of the month, OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL.
MA: I have to admit, this one looks really good, but I can’t say I’m overly excited about it, since I’ve never been a fan of THE WIZARD OF OZ. But it is Sam Raimi at the helm, and I do liked James Franco a lot, and Mila Kunis is nice to look at, so I probably will end up liking this one.
LS: I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who didn’t like THE WIZARD OF OZ before. You’re an odd gent.
MA: Really? I know a lot of people who aren’t fans of THE WIZARD OF OZ. I can’t speak for them, but for me, when it was on TV each year when I was a kid, I used to watch it and like it, but eventually found myself sick of the story, especially the final scene where Dorothy’s relatives chuckle at her story about Oz, obviously dismissing her tale as a figment of her imagination.
LS: What did you want them to do? Believe her? Tell me, is it possible this scene bothered you because when you were a child, people didn’t believe your stories?
MA: Vampires are real and living in my basement! (suddenly composing himself). Sorry. No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Anyway, on March 15 we’ll be reviewing the new thriller THE CALL (2013), starring Halle Berry as a 911 operator who becomes entangled with a serial killer. Now, if you’ve seen the trailer for this one, you’ve probably seen the entire movie. It’s pretty extensive, and I feel like I’ve seen the film already, so I’m really not that excited about it.
It also stars Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine herself.
LS: Oh boy! Maybe she’ll sing! But seriously, I am not looking forward to this one at all. It looks pretty awful, and you’re right, the trailer makes you feel like you already saw the movie. So why bother?
LS: On March 22, we’ll be bringing you a DVD review of CELL COUNT. This one is part of our up-and-coming filmmaker series, where we review new movies by directors who are trying to make a name for themselves. I hope it’s good.
MA: I don’t know much about CELL COUNT, but I’m looking forward to seeing it.
We finish the month with two reviews on the same weekend yet again. I’ll be reviewing G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (2013), and L.L. will be reviewing THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES (2012). Something tells me you’re getting the better end of this deal!
G.I. JOE: RETALIATION I’m sure will be absolutely stupid. G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF THE COBRA, which I saw in 2009, was not only one of the worst movies I saw that year, but one of the worst movies I’ve seen period! Ever!
Yet, somehow, this one’s got a decent cast— actually more than decent— with the likes of Bruce Willis, Dwayne Johnson, Channing Tatum, Ray Stevenson, RZA, Arnold Vosloo, Byung-hun Lee from I SAW THE DEVIL (2010), and Jonathan Pryce. So, who knows? It might be good after all!
Plus, the screenplay was written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, the same guys who wrote ZOMBIELAND (2009).
LS: Yeah, I can’t stand G.I. JOE movies, so I’m glad I’ll be missing this one.
MA: I just don’t get why we even have G.I. JOE movies. When I hear “G.I. Joe” I think of the popular toy action figure from years back, but is it even still around today? I’m sure it is, but is it popular? I don’t get it.
LS: THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES is a mystery starring Ryan Gosling, and it involves some kind of heist, based on the trailer. I’m eager to see this one.
MA: Yeah, it features Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper, two of my favorite actors, so I’d say this one sounds like a winner.
And that wraps things up for our MARCH COMING ATTRACTIONS column. We’ll see you next week with reviews of JACK THE GIANT SLAYER and THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2.
GOOD WITCH: Remember to give OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL a positive review.
MA: That depends on whether we like it or not, because if we don’t like it, then we can’t in good faith—.
(GOOD WITCH zaps MA with her wand and turns him into a frog.)
LS: Wow. You’ll have to show me how to do that! But what’s the idea of turning Michael into a frog? I thought you were a good witch?
GOOD WITCH: I am. When it comes to casting magical spells, I’m good!
LS: I’d ask you to change him back, but that would be so unlike me. Okay, folks, we’ll see you next weekend! Don’t worry. Michael will be back to his normal self in time to review JACK THE GIANT SLAYER. I know this for a fact, because there’s no way I’m going to see it!
FROG: Rib-bit! Rib-bit!