QUICK CUTS: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER, or The Secret Lives of U.S. Presidents
Featuring: Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Dan Keohane, and Paul McMahon
With ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER now in theaters, we asked our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters to investigate the secret lives of some of our other U.S. Presidents.
What they discovered is that good old Honest Abe wasn’t the only U.S. President with clandestine abilities. That’s right, the men who have led our country have been one talented lot. Our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters dug deep to uncover the secret genre lives of our past Commanders-in-Chief. This is what they came up with:
(It turns out some of our Presidents had multiple covert talents! Read on!)
Shocking Relevations Revealed!
L.L. SOARES: Here are a few presidential secrets I have uncovered..
GEORGE WASHINGTON: THE FIRST VAMPIRE HUNTER
Almost a full century before Abraham Lincoln took up the cause, George Washington was the first human to wield an axe against the onslaught of vampires. Cherry trees were just for practice, before George went on to chop down many a vampire, striking fear into the hearts of bloodsuckers everywhere. Plus, his wooden teeth could turn into tiny stakes at a moment’s notice!
“I cannot tell a lie,” said George. “I want all vampires dead.”
WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT: HOBBIT EATER
It is a little known fact that William Taft, our 27th President, was fond of eating hobbits. He “accidentally” stumbled upon the fact that the creatures are delicious and went on a culinary rampage, intent on broiling, frying and grilling as many of the little bastards as he could. As Taft stated (in private) to a group of fellow gourmets “They are just far enough removed from human kind, so that their consumption shall not considered cannibalism. Which is good, because, once you get a taste of them, they are really quite addictive.”
Hobbit feet, stuffed and preserved, were considered prize trophies for Hobbit gourmands. Taft had a steamer trunk full of them.
JFK: ALIEN BUSTER
When John F. Kennedy uncovers a far-reaching extraterrestrial conspiracy to take over the planet, he has to do whatever it takes to stop them. In desperation, the aliens send their queen, Marilyn Monroe, to seduce him, but that fails. So, unfortunately, they send another alien monster posing as a human, Lee Harvey Oswald, to get the job done.
JOHN ADAMS, HOT DOG VENDOR!!
Our second president, John Adams, finds a time machine and comes to modern times, but no one will believe who he is. Unable to get back to his own time, he is forced to sell hot dogs in Central Park to earn a living!
DAN KEOHANE: Did you know about….
MILLARD FILLMORE: BUFFALO HUNTER.
The man who would be our thirteenth president—obsessed with destroying the white buffalo terrorizing his beloved kin in the Finger Lakes Region—teams up with young artist George Bingham to track the beast to the ends of the new world.
PAUL MCMAHON: Believe it or not! Here’s my revelation:
MILLARD FILLMORE: DABBLER IN THE NECRONOMICON
While teaching himself to read in a public library, he discovered—and stole—a copy of the Necronomicon by “The Mad Arab” Abdul Alhazred.
As Vice President to Zachary Taylor, he left it unattended one night and President Taylor discovered it and read a passage aloud. Immediately, deep purple eyes grew all over the President’s body as something tried to push through the veil. Vice President Fillmore acted quickly and was able to close the portal, but not before President Taylor’s body withered away.
Fillmore instructed that the public be told Taylor died from Typhus Fever. He also refused to appoint a Vice President out of fear that the Necronomicon would be discovered again.
Fillmore and his wife, Abigail Powers, hid the volume somewhere in the library they built within the White House, where it is believed to remain, hidden to this day!!
MICHAEL ARRUDA: More shocking secrets!
GEORGE WASHINGTON: TROLL SMASHER. When he wasn’t fighting off British Red Coats, he was running into the woods using his wooden mallet to crush the heads of trolls who were trying to invade the colonies.
THOMAS JEFFERSON: ALIEN INVESTIGATOR. Fresh back from his trip to a faraway galaxy where he was taught ideas on freedom and liberty which he used to write the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson understands we are not alone and that not all the aliens on Earth are friendly. He sets out with his weapons of choice, special pens that fire a deadly heat laser, a gift to him from the people of the planet Monticello (so that’s where he got the name!) to destroy all the dangerous space aliens who are secretly living among Earth’s citizens.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT: DRAGONSLAYER. Little do people realize that the true mission of the Rough Riders was to hunt dragons.
JOHN F. KENNEDY: SEA MONSTER DEMOLISHER: During World War II, the Axis powers unleashed a secret weapon to destroy the Allies’ Navies: deadly sea serpents which could crush both submarines and ships as if they were toys. Young JFK and his slick super ship PT109 secretly fought the serpents in naval battles across the Pacific using futuristic weaponry created by technologies known only to the U.S. government since the days of Thomas Jefferson.
RICHARD NIXON: CRIME BOSS! Joining the ranks of THE PUNISHER, Richard Nixon decides to take the law into his own hands. As the head of a secret crime organization, Nixon covertly directs a group of highly skilled criminals “Mission Impossible” style, leading them on missions which involve spying, espionage, and—wait a minute, this one really happened. Oops!
© Copyright 2012 by L.L. Soares, Daniel G. Keohane, Paul McMahon and Michael Arruda