CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
(The Scene: The interior of a spaceship. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES are playing poker at a table with the monster from the ALIEN movies, an ASTRONAUT WITH A BABY ALIEN STICKING OUT OF HIS CHEST, the superhero THOR and a top-hatted ABRAHAM LINCOLN)
MA: Welcome everyone to our Coming Attractions column for June. We’re here on this spaceship because at least for me, anyway, the most anticipated movie of the summer opens on June 8, Ridley Scott’s science fiction flick PROMETHEUS.
LS: It’s very high on my list of “must see” movies, too. I’m really looking forward to it.
MA: Even though it is a prequel of sorts to Ridley Scott’s classic ALIEN (1979), it looks good in its own right. But we have a movie to review first before we get to PROMETHEUS.
On the weekend of June 1, we’ll be reviewing SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN.
(A bunch of happy looking DWARVES scurry by the table.)
DWARVES: Snow White! Yay!!
LS: It’s SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, not SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES! Now, scram!
(DWARVES run away, and one of them flips LS the bird.)
MA: That must be Grumpy.
LS: Actually, the funny part is, I’m pretty sure there ARE dwarves in this movie. But I just don’t have the patience for those guys right now.
MA: Anyway, what can I say? It’s another fairy tale given the adult movie treatment. We had RED RIDING HOOD last year, which I actually liked, and now we have SNOW WHITE.
To be fair, the trailers for this one don’t look half bad, and I’m actually looking forward to it. At the very least, it appears that the folks involved seem to be taking it seriously.
Snow White is being played by Kristen Stewart of TWILIGHT fame. I’m hoping she’s given the chance to expand her acting range from brooding teen to something more. It’ll be good to see her do something else.
LS: I hate to say it, but Stewart is starting to grow on me. Must be the scowl. I’m actually curious to see her in something other than the TWILIGHT movies.
MA: Charlize Theron looks as if she’s having a field day playing the evil queen. I’m especially looking forward to her performance.
LS: I’m a big Charlize fan as well.
MA: And as the Huntsman, Chris Hemsworth, THOR himself is on hand.
THOR: I will be great as the Huntsman!
MA: I’m sure you will be.
THOR: It will be a thunderous, masterful performance!
MA: I’m sure it will be.
LS (aside to MA): Keep him talking. He’s not paying attention to the cards.
THOR: And if anyone gives me a bad review I will crush them with mine hammer!
MA: We’ll be sure to keep that in mind. (to LS) I think he should stop talking now. Why don’t you say something?
LS: I don’t know. I’m not a big fan of the whole “let’s remake the fairy tales” trend, but I have to admit, this one has a good cast, and it looks a hundred times better than the previous Snow White movie that came out this year, MIRROR MIRROR, starring that annoying Julia Roberts as the evil queen. That one looked like a lame comedy. At least this new movie plays it serious and looks a little bit darker..
And the week after that, we finally get to see PROMETHEUS. I’ve been waiting for about a year now to see Ridley Scott’s new science fiction movie, and it looks terrific. Interesting cast, great effects and sets, and a rumored connection to Scott’s classic ALIEN, one of my all-time favorite flicks. What else can you ask for?
MA: Yes, I’m very excited about PROMETHEUS too. I’ve seen the trailers like a million times but it still looks good to me.
LS: That’s a good sign. Most movies have such awful trailers, I hate the movie before I even get to see it.
MA: It’s got a great cast, including Noomi Rapace, from the European GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATOO movies…
LS: Rapace is terrific. I thought she was amazing in the Swedish DRAGON TATTOO movies. And she was also in another big Hollywood movie recently, last year’s SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS. I’m excited that she’s having a career in American movies, now. It would have been even cooler if Rooney Mara was in PROMETHEUS, too, since she was great in David Fincher’s remake of DRAGON TATTOO. I’d love to see those two together in the same movie sometime! Well, maybe someday…
MA:…the cast also includes Charlize Theron (she’s in a lot of movies this year), Michael Fassbender, and Idris Elba.
Needless to say, I can’t wait.
BABY ALIEN STICKING OUT OF ASTRONAUT’S CHEST: I just hope I get to make an appearance!
LS: It’ll be good to see you again.
MA: I’ll second that.
BABY ALIEN STICKING OUT OF ASTRONAUT’S CHEST: I had no idea I was so popular. Perhaps I should introduce you to my cousins!
MA: No, thank you.
LS: Sure. I’d love to meet your cousins. I’ve got a nice big pot in my kitchen, all set for some baby alien soup!
(BABY ALIEN STICKING OUT OF ASTRONAUT’S CHEST gulps.)
MA: I’ll bring the crackers.
Since nothing worth seeing is coming out the weekend of June 15th, we might be reviewing a DVD instead, which would be a nice break. Then, the following weekend, we finally get to review ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER!
MA: I have to admit, of all the movies we’re reviewing this month, I’m dreading this one the most. I’m not sure why. I guess I just don’t get it. I predict this one will be very bad. Hopefully, I’m wrong.
It does feature Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Mary Todd Lincoln. Winstead was excellent in SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD (2010) as Scott Pilgrim’s girlfriend. She didn’t fare quite as well in THE THING (2011). Still, she’s someone to watch, and I’m glad she’s in this movie.
LS: I thought the title, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER, was funny…for about three seconds. By the time I saw the movie trailer a second and third time, I was already sick of this concept. It sounds really lame to me. And this was written by Seth Grahame-Smith, based on his novel. This is the same guy who wrote the annoying script for Tim Burton’s DARK SHADOWS, so I’m not expecting to be blown away by it. Although at least ABE LINCOLN looks darker and more serious than that one. But why not bring Honest Abe to the 1970s and have him hang out with hippies? Grahame-Smith already made a joke out of Barnabas Collins, why not do the same thing to our 16th President!!
MA: You’re really hot under the collar about this one.
LS: Anytime we go into a movie, I hope to be pleasantly surprised, and there’s always the chance that ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER will dazzle me. I just think that’s a real long shot…
MA: I would have to agree. I expect it to be a stinker.
We finish the month reviewing TED, a comedy about a foul- mouthed stuffed Teddy bear who’s still hanging out with his buddy, John, even though John is now an adult.
Now, this may be a one-joke movie, but the trailers actually look pretty funny. It’s written and directed by Seth McFarlane of FAMILY GUY fame, and McFarlane also provides the voice for Ted. The cast also includes Mark Wahlberg as John, and Mila Kunis.
This one looks like it’s going to be funny.
LS: Again, this is a movie that could go either way. I like McFarlane. I like the concept of a swearing, drinking Teddy bear. And Mila Kunis is hot stuff.
But Mark Wahlberg? Come on! They couldn’t get anyone better to be the human lead in this one? Someone who is actually funny??
MA: I like Mark Wahlberg.
LS: I think Wahlberg has been good in a few movies, like BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997) and I HEART HUCKABEES (2004), and he can be good in dramas where he has a few humorous moments. But he’s also been in a lot of movies I hated, and he just doesn’t seem right for the lead role in a comedy. He has the comic timing of a mannequin!
I’m sorry, I just don’t have high hopes for this one.
MA: I think it’s going to be good.
LS: I hope you’re right.
MA: So, that wraps things up here.
THOR: No! No one leaves the table until I win this hand!
BABY ALIEN STICKING OUT OF ASTRONAUT’S CHEST: I fold.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: I can honestly say I cannot win this hand. (folds).
THOR: That leaves just the three of us!
MA: I’m in. Check.
LS: And I’ll raise you both ten. (Pushes chips towards center of table.)
(Thor and MA put in their ten.)
LS: What do you have, Thor?
THOR: A full house, ace high.
MA: That beats me. I just had two pair.
LS: What the hell are you staying in with two pair for?
MA: Hey, a pair of Queens and tens isn’t half bad. What do you have?
LS: Four Kings! I win!
(THOR roars and slams down his hammer)
LS: Come on, Thor, don’t be a sore loser!
THOR: I never lose!
LS: Well, you just did.
MA: Hey, tone it down, will you? Let’s not insult Thor, here. I’d like to live to review these movies.
THOR: One more hand!
MA: Nah, we’re done here.
THOR: One more hand!!!
LS (points): Look! It’s your brother, Loki!
(THOR looks over his shoulder, as MA & LS flee.)
MA: See you in June at the movies!
LS: Better luck next time, Thor, ya big baby!
© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares