QUICK CUTS: WHO WILL JOHNNY DEPP PLAY NEXT?
Featuring: Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Kelly Laymon, Paul McMahon, and Colleen Wanglund.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome everyone to the latest edition of QUICK CUTS.
We just suffered through—er, watched—THE LONE RANGER, which featured Johnny Depp as Tonto; this following upon the heels of his playing Barnabas Collins. So, here’s this week’s QUICK CUTS question: Who’s the next TV or movie icon that Depp will play?
KELLY LAYMON: The only answer is, “The character who wears the craziest costume!”
L.L.SOARES: How about Lady Gaga?
LAYMON: I smell a remake of THE ADDAMS FAMILY with Depp as Gomez. And, as with every other Johnny Depp film for the last decade, I’ll skip it.
ARRUDA: You and a lot of other people.
LAYMON: But he could do a remake of HAVE GUN – WILL TRAVEL or THE BRADY BUNCH and I wouldn’t blink an eye as I buy a ticket to the latest “Vince Vaughn Is A Cool Boozy Guy, Man” flick.
ARRUDA: I pegged him in a BRADY BUNCH remake.
Yep, THE BRADY BUNCH is coming to the big screen, starring Jim Carrey as Mike Brady, Cameran Diaz as Carol Brady, Ellen DeGeneres as Alice, and Johnny Depp will play Alice’s boyfriend Sam.
With Depp playing Sam, the story of the Brady household will now be told through his perspective.
“With their parents working all the time, it was almost as if Alice and I were second parents to those kids—.”
SOARES: Wouldn’t it be more of a challenge for Depp to play Alice, the true heroine of the series? Alice is the glue that keeps the family together, and it’s exactly the kind of odd character role that Depp would jump at. But he would demand that Alice be the main character and the Brady family be supporting characters.
ARRUDA: Depp would make a great Alice.
PAUL MCMAHON: Let’s jump ahead a couple of years. Johnny Depp and Tim Burton are about to announce plans to make a feature film reboot of the 70’s TV show WELCOME BACK, KOTTER.
SOARES: Ugh! I hate the Sweathogs!
MCMAHON: As an added thrill for fans, he and director Tim Burton are planning to use only two actors to complete the picture. Depp will be using CGI and makeup effects to play the Sweathogs: Vinnie Barbarino, Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington, Juan Epstein, and Arnold Horshack. He will also be portraying the loveable Mr. Gabe Kotter.
The pair is trying to interest Helena Bonham Carter to take on the roles of Mrs. Julie Kotter, Rosalie “Hotsie” Totsie, a feminized version of Cavelli, the Sweathogs nemesis, and Mr. Michael Woodman, Vice Principal.
SOARES: Martin Landau would make a great Mr. Woodman.
ARRUDA: Why involve Carter? Depp could play all the roles!
SOARES: Why not a movie where Johnny Depp and Eddie Murphy compete to see who can play more wacky characters?
MCMAHON: It is noted that theaters are already experiencing a massive rush of patrons who are NOT buying tickets for this feature
L.L. SOARES: Well, I think this one’s a no-brainer. Johnny Depp could play Yoda in the upcoming reboot of STAR WARS. They could use CGI to shrink him and give him little stumpy arms and legs, and he would relish the chance to deliver his lines in Yoda-speak. I can’t think of a better role for him to make his own!
COLLEEN WANGLUND: Rumor has it that Johnny Depp will be playing Dr. Phibes in Tim Burton’s remake of the 1971 classic starring Vincent Price. All I have to say is WHY?!
ARRUDA: I hope that’s not true. On the other hand, since Dr. Phibes was high camp to begin with, it might be a good fit for Depp.
MCMAHON: Tell me you’re not serious.
ARRUDA: I actually like Johnny Depp. I just haven’t liked his recent roles.
SOARES: Same here.
ARRUDA: Okay, to finish things off, I have a couple more.
In the new film version of THE MUNSTERS, Johnny Depp has signed on to play Grandpa, with Helena Bonham Carter as Lily, and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Herman.
And last but not least, in the latest re-imagining of TV’s LOST IN SPACE, Johnny Depp has signed on to play the Robinson Robot using CGI technology to morph his entire body into the shape of the Robot.
SOARES: With Lady Gaga as Judy!
ARRUDA: That I’d pay to see!
That’s it for now. Thanks for joining us everybody, and let’s hope that none of our re-imaginings tonight come true!
© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Kelly Laymon, Paul McMahon and Colleen Wanglund